Few couples would file for divorce due to sexual incompatibility. However, if we better understand this concept and its consequences, perhaps the ruptures would be less painful, dramatic, without victims and executioners, and even friendly.
In my erotic life I have discovered that the sexual dimension is very different from the affective or friendly one, and that it does not always agree with our tastes or hobbies. I’ve had lovers that, at first, I wouldn’t have given a penny for. And if someone had introduced them to me with the intention of Celestina, I would have laughed in their face. However, everything changed radically and magically when it was passed to the horizontal plane. I have also met charming people, with whom I would have gone to the end of the world but never to the bedroom; because the thing, it is not very well known why, never got to work.
“There is no feeling”, with this mantra we abort many relationships without thinking too much, many times without even having started, and we make the next one go through the particular erotic casting. How many good lovers have been discarded by an unsuccessful first time? How many sexually incompatible couples could have been avoided were it not for the narcotic effects of falling in love?
Finding out that one is sexually incompatible with a one night stand or with someone they are starting to go out with is not a drama, but things get complicated if the defective is the perfect man or woman in everything except in bed -shit!-, or if it turns out to be the person with whom we have shared half a life.
Unfortunately, there are still no reliable tests to detect sexual incompatibility, in the way that is used to discover if one is allergic to pollen, dust or grasses and, on the other hand, many of the problems with which couples come to sexologists in Delhi can be easily solved. The true incompatibility is something more subtle, or more obvious depending on how you see it, because we often look too much at the trees and they prevent us from seeing the forest.
Perhaps many do not have all the sex they would like, but there are other things in life, right? Then there are those who protest having an overly fiery partner, something like disavowing a few extra pounds in a famine-stricken African country. Some, after reading too many women’s magazines, become obsessed with spicing up their erotic lives when the couple’s favorite flavor is vanilla. Yes, that so neutral and that combines with everything. And there is no shortage of those who get involved in the postures, caresses, kisses and touches that turn him on the most, and that his selfish better half not only does not carry out but has not even found out yet about the menu that he likes the most, in what dosage and at what times you prefer it to be served.
But these relationship pitfalls are not what really make two people incompatible in bed, but others. Dr P K Gupta, Best Sexologist in Delhi, believes that the aspects on which the incompatibility is based are other more general ones. Dr P K Gupta points out that the key questions to ask are basically three: Do we have similar libidos? Do we share the same idea regarding monogamy and infidelity?
According to sex specialist in Delhi, “differences in desire give couples many problems and is one of the most common causes. Why they decide to ask for professional help. A union that is only based on sex will not go very far, but I do not predict much life for those who have buried their erotic dimension when the desire of one of the members is still alive. Sexual incompatibility exists and there are couples who love each other very much but who will be unable to give each other the pleasure they expect, because their love is more fraternal than erotic or because they have opposite tastes. But talking about sex is not evaluating each powder but knowing what the other thinks about the subject, their attitudes, desires, fantasies, what they expect from their sexuality and how they relate to it.
Differences in desire can be adjusted, agreements can be reached, autoeroticism must be used as a tool for self-satisfaction, also in the couple, and one should be able to handle temporary or momentary imbalances in desire, due to illness or income in a new stage of life, such as maturity or menopause. However, it can be very difficult, and even impossible, to make two initially different libidos coexist and be happy, something that almost always gives rise to misinterpretations: “he doesn’t want me anymore”, when in fact his level of desire has always been higher, been low, except for the short-lived infatuation phase. Believe me, libidos are usually very stubborn and persevering in their ideals.
It is convenient to agree on concepts such as monogamy and infidelity
There are fewer and fewer defenders of pure and simple monogamy, of “until death do us part”, of “two is company and three are a crowd”; at the same time that fidelity begins to be an increasingly flexible and unnatural concept, since biologists have discovered, thanks to DNA determination techniques, that the genetic information of chicks of eagles, geese, swans and other species of birds -which until now embodied the ideal of lifelong love- did not correspond to that of their supposed parents.
According to sexologist in Delhi, “the couple has to be a personal and unique construction, based on the needs and desires of its members. Within this creation also enters the proper concept of fidelity. We can design a model based on the one that existed until now, or manage the erotic desire towards other people in a different way, based on playing for pleasure and not for love. Some couples allow certain flirtations or punctual relationships with others, without this being an offense; while others cannot even glimpse this possibility. This chapter is another of the usual frictions in the relationship and many times the cause of its breakup, so it is important to have a similar vision on the subject, although it may change over the years or experiences.”
And, to ask, that there be similar sexual tastes
A modern version of Romeo and Juliet could be a couple where she is bisexual and an avid BDSM practitioner, while he believes in tender, romantic, lifelong love. Or vice versa. They are madly in love but sex is a disaster and, finally, their disparate tastes undermine the coexistence, full of bitterness and unsatisfied desires.
“Sex is covered with gravity and seriousness”, says Dr P K Gupta, Best Sexologist in Delhi, “when it should be something playful and hedonistic. When we approach it from this perspective, things change and we dare more to try and express our desires, because everything is less deterministic, less transcendent. It is very difficult for two people to exactly match their erotic tastes and preferences, but the solution is to be open to trying new things. There are people incapable of transmitting to the other what they like, their fantasies, but what is desirable in a relationship is to feel and make the other feel. If tastes are very different or irreconcilable it can be a problem, but first you have to try to be flexible and open and teach the other, at your own pace. So, the difference in palates, instead of being an obstacle.